Auto- Prickshaw wallah, Let’s Break up.

This is one of the most popular modes of transportations in India.

Dear Swagger,

How are you feeling after rejecting one of us less than 20 seconds ago? Growing up in India, you have been a very important part of my day to day life. From railway stations, airports, commercial tourist spots, to malls, I see you everywhere. More often than not, I am desperate for you and the other times, you are for me. We share a love-hate relationship. You reject me almost every day while going to work while coming back from work, and as if that wasn’t enough, in my dreams too. “Nahi Madam”, has haunted me for quite some time now. Of course, there have been days where I didn’t need you. Like the time you saw me coming out of the railway station? I chided you away because I had a ride back home. The rejection is suffered by both ends, clearly. However 200% of the times, it’s you who is being unreasonable.

We decided to research about this issue for 2 hours, after coming across the following questions (refer to the screenshots.) The nation wants to know the answers to these and we haven taken the lead in helping you know better, fellow Indians.

Please note: We haven’t answered any of these questions, by the way.

Screenshot_20170401-181604    Screenshot_20170401-181539

We conducted a fake real social experiment, where auto-rickshaw wallah’s from HSR Layout Bangalore, were our subjects.

Example number 1:

Example Number 2:

Example Number 3:

Finding a rickshaw can be taxing, sometimes. The unpredictability of this relationship has made me wander into the deep roots of the variables that influence your decision making. You will be glad to know that I have cracked the code.

Yes= (X+Y-Z)+Mood*

Here, X stands for the perfect measurement of the distance we intend to travel. We have to estimate this correctly, the distance can not be too far and it cannot be too less since that will have a less monetary value. If you have overcharged a few tourists and frustrated locals, you will be happy to take me. However, if you have only managed to attract cheap locals who insist on you using the meter, you will not be in the best of moods.

Y: Y stands for the perfect time of the day. Indian cities can get hot & sweaty. When we are struggling with the weather and are too tired, that’s the time you will charge us more and say the most number of “no’s.” During night time, it’s easy to get a yes but we might have to sell our kidney to afford the ride. Usually, early evening works best as you are not overwhelmed with too may offers and are probably feeling fresh after the afternoon nap.

Z: Z stands for desperation. This is a tough card to play with. The trick here is that we should never show you how badly we want the ride. If you sense it, chances are you will act more pricey than a bartender on a Saturday night. So I suggest aspiring passengers tread carefully and not show too much of their emotions at this point.

Mood: Of course all of this is highly influenced by your mood. If we ever dare to hurt your ego, you will make sure we drown in the river of your attitude.

*Conditions Apply. (Just like my life, this formula makes no sense what so ever.)

Here is some proof.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank a few of you, who have left a dent in my bleeding heart.  I sincerely want to thank you for the following:

  • Teaching me how to be punctual. I will tell you how, assume that I have to reach work by 9:30 and it takes roughly 30 minutes to reach the destination. If I think that I can start looking for an auto only at 9:00 am, I am making a terrible mistake. Why? Because then, I have forgotten to give consideration to the buffer time needed to find one of you who will take me. Expect at least 4 rejections and deals gone wrong before you find THE ONE.
  • I am more open to facing rejection now, I have become more thick skinned. I know that you don’t mean to hurt me when you turn me down. It’s the profession that has made you like that.
  • I have learnt that one should never give up. I recall an incident where I was not given the chance to sit on those inviting leathery seats by 10 of you. But I didn’t give up. I kept swimming.
  • To one specific fellow who let me and my friends ride his rickshaw as we explored the temples of Hampi. Also the time I figured out the reason behind the shoulder tilt.
  • And for always taking us through the longest possible route so as to make sure that we get used to the city and you get paid well.

So let’s just except that we both have had our ups and downs. I have realised that sometimes it’s best to let go of things than to hold on for too long. Also, I have to confess that I have been cheating on you with multiple on-demand taxi services. I can’t tell you their names, but they are much smoother, comfortable and make me feel like I matter. Hopefully, things will go well.

I won’t forget you ever, as you have a soft spot in my heart and always will. Having said that, I would like to let you know that soft spots don’t mean shit to anyone.

Until next time,

Emotionally Damaged Passenger

Lights, Camera, Action, Pretense!

Dear Artists,

I hope you all are as creative as the last time you had an idea and forgot to execute it because it would mean you getting off your lazy ass. I am an artist too, I indulge in some creativity every 68 days. Yes, I think about a lot of ideas out of which I discuss a few with my other artist friends and we usually spend a few hours planning the execution, after which we make sure to never talk about it again.

But today, it was different. Not only did I have an idea but I also found someone to help me take it forward. What a strange feeling, mostly because as soon as we decided on the plan of action every idea seemed like it wasn’t worthy of all our efforts. And by worthy, I mean it wouldn’t please the thirty followers I have on Instagram. It felt as if we were either trying too hard or too little.

Keeping that in my mind, I cannot help but appreciate all those who have the courage to upload what they create on social media. It is a great deal to focus and be able to create something when there are YouTube videos about turtles having sex to distract you. Today people are not only creating, but also sharing their work with the world, which requires a strong immunization against varying opinions and comments.I understand that, but at the same time, some things truly suck. I am glad that they do because they give me inspiration to work on such posts.

So in this meaningful blog post, we have tried to mimic your work. The pictures below are a sub-standard proof of the same. I hope when you read this you feel that the work done by us resonates to all the people who think dressing up like this automatically qualifies you for an artist. Red lipstick, lots of make up that you learnt to wear from some random YouTube channel (that goes by the name “NaughtyinRed” “RedistheNewBlack” “Howtowearalipstickwithoutfuckingup”), a nose ring and short hair, that’s the updated definition of an artist in the Oxfart dictionary.

When you look at a pretty face, staring at nothingness, don’t the eyes speak to you? Don’t you feel like it’s saying something to your empty self? It’s almost as if the code to appear deep has been cracked.I have a B.A. in Caption Writing and I know how one feels when they look at a black and white photograph depicting an onion’s emotion.

So dear artist like yourself, do not stop, because you fuel the creativity in me, and other jokers like me.

Here are the steps to become like you:

Ingredients:

An overly enthusiastic person, 1 bored flat mate, 1.5 kilograms of expired make up, rustic jewelry, a scarf from your mom’s salwar suit, a decent phone camera, a pinch of pretense, an editing app and a few million make-up tutorials and a thousand hours to kill.

Recipe:

Take your bored flat mate and cover her hopeless face with make up. Be sure to use the darkest shade of lipstick you own, because only then will you be truly bold. Reference a few niche Instagram channels and start clicking. In no photograph should your flat mate be laughing or smiling. The face can depict a poker expression. Make sure to cover all angles, top, down, on the floor. Edit all your photographs using filters, be sure to use monochrome in some of them. Google some meaningful captions. Important point here is to choose those captions that do not relate to the photograph at all. That’s it, you’re all set. YOU are an artist.

Honestly Yours,

People who don’t matter.